Wanna fight about it?

by Don Kuehn

Until the credit card statement came in the mail, Janet had no idea Tony had spent $400 on a new golf club. She thought they had agreed they were going to save every penny to buy new furniture for the family room.

The couple had words about Tony's childish spending. But this wasn't the first time one of them had made an impetuous purchase. Every time Tony sees his wife watching one of those shopping channels on cable, he knows she's going to blow money on something they don't need. Tony figured he deserved that new driver; it was almost guaranteed to give him 10 more yards off the tee.

Sound familiar? More than any other issue, couples fight about money. It may not be about how much they earn; it may not even be about how much they save. It's what they do with the rest of their income that causes problems.

Most "discussions" about family finances stem from a failure to clearly communicate expectations and concerns about money and what it is supposed to do. One partner thinks they have agreed on a goal of saving for a house, retirement or a trip to Europe; the other may recall the conversation, but never thought it was a goal.

We tend to get so rooted in our own money views that we can't grasp that our partner may have a significantly different perspective--or that he or she has any perspective at all. Many times our attitudes about money have their origins in the way we were reared. Keep this in mind if you have kids of your own.

Only 21 percent of us fall into the category of planners--people who have no difficulty sticking to a household budget, who learned the value of a dollar in childhood and carry their disciplined financial habits into adulthood.

About a quarter of all Americans are strugglers. Every time they get a few bucks ahead, some unexpected event scuttles their plans. Convinced that they don't earn enough to survive, they have given up on scaling back their lifestyle to match their income. Their desire to achieve financial goals isn't matched with the self-discipline needed to get the job done.

A significant number of individuals (about 20 percent) can be classified as deniers. They view retirement as a far-off event and see no reason to scrimp and save now when more pressing concerns are in sharper focus. These people seem to believe that the retirement fairy is going to take care of them. After all, the tooth fairy never let them down.

Then there is the group that includes Tony the golfer. Let's call them the impulsives. They are driven by immediate gratification and a live-for-today attitude. It seems that the more they make, the more they spend.

Over time most couples find ways to accommodate each other's attitudes toward money, but the learning curve is sometimes steep.

Whether it's a "dowry of debt" as one columnist called it-- never finding a good time before  the wedding to broach the topic of unpaid credit card or department store bills; or the habit of hitting the ATM machine a few times a week with no earthly idea where the money goes; or maybe one partner is a Planner and the other is an Impulsive.

Of course there can be big-time power issues connected with the earning, control and spending of money. If a tight grasp of the power button governs your attitude toward money issues, none of the following tips is going to make your life any easier.

·       Start by probing the source of your own attitudes about spending. How did your family handle money when you were growing up? Who maintained the checkbook? How were the household bills paid? Did your parents make and stick to a budget? Are you a contrarian when it comes to money--driven to be the opposite of the way you were reared?

In spite of all the talk about ours becoming a "cashless" society that is dependent on credit cards and debit cards, ATM machines, online bill paying and the like, a whopping 83 percent of Americans told Gallup pollsters that they still use checks to pay their bills. Only 9 percent say they never use checks.

·       Try to agree on common goals, and be sure to articulate them as goals. There are milestones that will obviously require significant amounts of dough: having kids, buying a house, caring for a parent, funding retirement. Discuss them and share your ideas about how each can be achieved. Trust me, there is no retirement fairy.

·       It's not "my way or the highway" when you're talking about family spending. Be a little humble, listen to what your partner has to say and meld it with your own views. Hey, you could be wrong! Remember just as you insist that you should be entitled to your views, your partner has a right to his or hers.

·       Once you have agreed on a few shared goals, build them into your budget. What do you mean you don't have a budget? If you were going on a trip, you'd take a look at a road map and plan your route, right? Why would attaining a financial goal be any more intuitive?

·       Don't lay blame for financial woes, take action. Arguing over household debt won't decrease the bottom line on the credit card bills. Force yourselves to make a game plan to tackle the tough bills and start immediately to identify ways to adjust your spending to pay off this debt.

Unfortunately, it's easier to fight about money than to talk about it. But if you are really looking to eliminate money squabbles, bite the bullet and communicate. Imagine the message you are sending to your kids if money is a constant source of tension rather than a source of freedom, joy and opportunity.