I have been lucky to be married to a very understanding man for 13 plus years. This year I have consistently worked extra, and often overtime. I am so tired that even on my days off, I am asleep at the same time as my children. I haven't spent any time alone with my husband in recent memory. Our communication has been reduced to notes or lists of chores he needs to do because I just can't keep up.

I am also the mother of two young boys. At dinner every night I hear the question: "Are you working tonight?" If the answer is "NO," my 5-year-old acts as though he has just received a gift, with hand clapping and a "Yah!" No longer do they come home to fresh-baked cookies or have a mom who has the energy to chase after them while they learn to ride without training wheels. I am too tired to read bedtime stories without lots of yawning or falling asleep in the middle. I have mommy guilt because several times I have felt obligated to work instead of being home cuddling a sick child.

Last comes my role as an RN. A night in April will always stand out as the night I finally had to compromise my level of care because of poor staffing. I had three ventilator-dependent babies. The healthiest baby never received her basic care from me because I was too busy. My second baby was just postoperative and in pain. I had no time to hold him or stroke his swollen head. Maybe if I had time to practice the human side of nursing he might not have needed narcotics. My third baby became extremely ill and deserved more attention than I could give him. Nobody had time to call his family.

I now wonder why I chose nursing as my career. I feel, at times, that I am failing everyone I care about the most--my husband, children and patients.

Management sent the unit a thank you note, which is posted on the bathroom door. Do they really think that will make it all worthwhile?

Leah Baumgarten, RN, of John Dempsey Hospital, wrote this article for Alliance, the newsletter of University Health Professionals/FNHP of Farmington, Conn.